Using Meth Just Makes Sense
A confession from a year into recovery, and the arithmetic that could very well undo it
Let me preface this by saying that I’m not about to return to use. I have a phenomenal support system, and one year and a few weeks into recovery, I have done a lot of work to prepare myself for these situations, and I’ve had a lot of practice reaching out and getting the necessary support when needed. This essay is just a little rant…
It’s interesting to observe two common myths about drug addiction: that it’s too expensive for anyone, especially those living below the bread line, to sustain; and that using drugs inevitably means neglecting your kids because addiction drains a household dry.
Poverty is a bitch. Nobody disputes that. Looking at our household finances right now, I smile and shake my head at the realisation: if ever there was a time when using meth made sense, this would be that moment.
This stretch of sobriety has gained me a whopping 30kg. If you’ve been following this journey, you know that weight gain carries real relapse risk for me. Obesity is, after all, what drove me to first use drugs at age twelve.
Early in recovery, health and fitness were my top priority. I ran a rigorous peptide protocol, trained at the gym daily, ate clean, and stacked creatine monohydrate, protein shakes, and more supplements than I care to list.
For the last six months, a health problem pushed me toward severe anaemia, leaving me too lethargic to train, and I could no longer afford the gym membership anyway. I also sold my dance pole in December. Over and above that, I have been in and out of the deepest depths of a very heavy depression and, honestly, been spending roughly 20 hours per day, on average, in bed, bingeing anime. (Go ahead, ask me for a recommendation ;D) And that’s how you pack on 30kg in no time, kids!
A week ago, I was closer to lapsing than at any time before. I stood in front of my closet and realised that nothing fit except three hoodies and two pairs of stretchy joggers (and my pyjamas, of course). I hated myself, my body, my compulsion to stuff my face and love of carbs and sugar, and I hated my life right now; still unemployed, still dependent on my mother and one failure and disappointment after the next. Getting high (and skinny) felt like a really good idea.
I am grateful, however, to have found an amazing doctor who doesn’t simply rip his patients off. This guy is truly affordable and empathetic. You know, the endangered kind who legitimately just wants to help people and accommodate them according to their means. He’s been treating me, and it seems we’re getting on top of the health problem, rebuilding iron stores slowly but surely. That, along with motivation from my top-tier support person(s), resulted in a fridge filled with what we thought to be a month’s worth of healthy, protein-rich meal options and a solid daily home workout routine that’s both fun and sustainable. Happy to report that over the past seven days, I dropped 1.75kg and 2cm. Then this afternoon, my Beastie Boy helped me prep dinner, and he chopped all the veggies for me. All the veggies.
It really seems like a sick joke when you do the math:
ZAR1 500 would buy me 10g of meth. 10g of meth would last me just short of two months. During that time, I would need ZAR500 at most to feed myself as I’d only eat a packet of instant noodles or a small tub of yoghurt once or twice a week. So, in this scenario, 2k pretty much guarantees my survival for two months.
Instead, since I’ve been eating three healthy meals a day, every day, I spent ZAR2000 this week just on food! A quick scroll through r/meth revealed that I’m not the only one who sees this logic. People are literally using meth, or continuing to (for a tangle of other reasons too, obviously) because it’s more affordable than food!
What does it say about an economy when meth is the most viable option for survival?
What does it say about the cost of simply staying alive?
I’m no longer smiling as I shake my head.
What the fuck has this world come to?
Dope Support is an online, peer-led community that meets every other Wednesday. It’s casual and confidential.
For updates, meeting links and passwords, join my subscriber chat.
Alternatively, contact me directly within the Substack app or email me
♡ connect@thedopedoula.org
Thank you for reading Matters of Substance.
I have a running crowdgift campaign to cover the cost of
ACCSA Addiction Counsellor certification and IC&RC registration
♡
If you would like to support me, it’d rock my pebble collection!
♡
Gratitude. Always.
One sentence hit me: "What does it say about an economy when meth is the most viable option for survival?"
Recovery is often described as a moral or psychological battle, but this reminds us that it is also an economic one. Staying alive shouldn't require more resources than slowly destroying yourself.
I'm glad you chose yourself anyway, even when the arithmetic seemed to argue otherwise.... I know this struggle quite well
Really appreciate reading this perspective