Chasing Skinny

How Body Image Fueled My Addiction

They say to beat addiction, you have to face the demons that pushed you there in the first place. For some, it’s one brutal moment, a trauma that carves a permanent scar. For me, and I’m sure many others, it’s not one wound but a slow drip of smaller hurts, some too faint to name. My most prominent demon? The need to be, and stay, skinny; to shrink into something the world might accept.

My weight haunts me. It’s not just the number on the scale; it’s the space I take up, the way my body feels in a room. I’m always aware of my size, my shape; and my mood is in direct correlation with it: more body, less joy; less body, more joy. A 2021 study in Body Image found 93% of women across countries wrestle with some form of body dissatisfaction.

Western beauty standards and digital culture twist our perception of beauty, of health, of ourselves, though things are starting to shift. When someone called me “thicc” recently, I didn’t know what to make of it. I’d never heard the term before, but it felt like a cousin to “phat” as heard in “Hey Leonardo” by Blessid Union of Souls: “I like her for her, not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford…” They swore on MTV it was “PH,” not “F-A-T,” a compliment to Cindy Crawford’s vibe, and had nothing to do with her size.

Although I didn’t believe him capable of such cruelty, I needed confirmation, I needed second (and third) opinions. I checked in with my goddesses, princesses and my boi, T, in the best community of NSFW content creators on Telegram. Everyone assured me “thicc” was a nod to my curves. I hate to admit, I didn’t feel flattered. It made me want to eat less, think Kate Moss, not Beyonce.

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The Weight-Drug Connection

What inspired me to take my first drug? Peer pressure? Indirectly, perhaps. The suggestion and offer came from peers, but there was no pressure when the girl with the wicked Fairuza Balk attitude signalled me over, “Here, smoke this with us. You’ll lose weight”. I was 12 years old, attending a prestigious all-girls boarding school, weighing 65kg at 1.54m. I wasn’t the biggest girl in my class, but I believed I was. I had (and to some extent, still do) a warped perception of myself, like every mirror belonged in a funhouse. That was the first time I used drugs, the first time I smoked Thai White. It worked.

Thai White, aka #4 Heroin, is a hydrochloride salt of diacetylmorphine. It is a type of heroin that originates from Southeast Asia, particularly Thailand and has undergone extensive chemical processing to remove impurities. Renowned for being a fine white powder that dissolves easily in water, making it ideal for both injection and snorting.

Six months later, I moved to a different boarding school. The weight came back faster than I had lost it, so I started taking large quantities of Thinz (Norpseudoephedrine HCL) and smoking cannabis.

Changed schools once more, and by my 15th birthday, I had taken ecstasy (MDMA) and/or acid (LSD) on many occasions. That year, I started clubbing and added Kat (methcathinone) and Cocaine to my arsenal. I bought jeans in two sizes, Friday jeans (medium) and Sunday jeans (small). Yet, at 55kg, I felt morbidly obese.

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The Shape of a Girl’s (Self-)Image

How does a girl’s self-image become so warped? With a lot of conditioning from various sources. I grew up, or rather my formative years (to call me grown up is a bit extreme), saw the rise of the super model, the era of heroin chic, lollipop girls, when starvation was sold as sexy. But it started earlier. My mother lived on black coffee and cigarettes, eating only when hunger made her see stars. My father’s contempt for women who ate, who dared to be bigger than a whisper, taught me early: only the thin are worthy of love; love is fickle; adoration and abandonment coexist.
My family’s words cut deep, too. They commented on my “hollow back and bushman bum” from years of ballet obsession since age three, my “broad shoulders” and “stocky build” like I was a horse being judged. Those labels shaped how I see myself and ultimately led me to methamphetamine, the ultimate in appetite control.

We don’t talk enough about how addiction and eating disorders mirror each other. Both are born from a need to control, to shrink, to erase. My demons aren’t just the drugs—they are the mirrors, the scales, the voices whispering I’d never be enough unless I am less.

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music credits: Blessid Union Of Souls Summer of '99 hit 'Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)

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Thank you for taking the time to read Matters of Substance. These pieces are like love letters—intimate reflections where I bare my soul, sharing raw details of my journey through trauma, drugs, addiction, and healing.

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