180 minutes
GBV and the incarceration of victims
WARNING
PLEASE NOTE: THIS ESSAY CONTAINS INFORMATION RELATED TO POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING SITUATIONS AND ACTIONS.
GENDER-BASED VIOLENCE
RACISM
SEXUAL ASSAULT
HOMICIDE
Please proceed with caution and refrain from continuing if you do not have the necessary support. If you need additional assistance, I invite you to reach out to me via email or chat.
180 minutes.
Every 180 minutes, a woman in South Africa is murdered—not by a notorious gang or a figure like Ted Bundy, but by someone close to her: a lover, husband, partner, friend, brother, or father.
Every 12 minutes, a rape is reported.
Key Terms:
Gender-based violence—An act of violence that is committed against a person’s will and stems from gender norms or cultural power inequalities.
Sexual violence—Any sexual act that occurs against someone’s will, including sexual advances, comments, or efforts to obtain sex through threat or coercion.
Domestic abuse—Any violence or emotional abuse committed by a family member or intimate partner.
Apartheid's Legacy
South Africa - the Rainbow Nation full of promise but with a dark and contemptible past. During Apartheid (1948 to the early 1990s), the ruling authorities used cultural and legal frameworks to justify the horrific violence they inflicted on marginalised communities. These policies granted privileges (basic human rights) and social status to white South Africans while systematically denying them to non-white individuals.
Thirty years have passed, and only now do I understand Nelson Mandela’s clarion call to white Afrikaans women (that’s me!) in 1994.
You see, what many people don't know is that Apartheid’s discriminatory practices extended beyond racial lines, adversely affecting various social minorities, including women.
Under the apartheid system, citizenship was primarily granted to men, relegating women to the status of dependents. The state condoned the corporal punishment of wives by their husbands. Wife-beating was normalised and legal, creating an environment in which GBV was widespread and virtually unpunished.
This entrenched mindset continued to influence the legal system even after the dismantling of apartheid, resulting in limited protections for women and desensitised, often conflicted millennials.
The Making of a Violent Man
Before I get into this, I want to emphasise that some women can be abusive and not every man is violent. However, the reality is that the vast majority of perpetrators are male, and the majority of victims are female.
GBV does not occur in a vacuum. It is not just the result of individual anger, psychological disorders, or personal failings. It is systemic—woven into the very fabric of our society, passed down through generations, and reinforced through culture, tradition, and deeply ingrained beliefs about power, masculinity, and the role of women.
And when a man feels his authority is being challenged? Violence becomes the tool to reassert control.
Our minds, bodies and self-worth diminish slowly until the wild woman, full of fire, adventure and passion, fades into oblivion.
Across cultures, women have historically been treated as the property of men.
In traditional African cultures, lobola (bride price) is often misinterpreted as a transaction—where a man "buys" a wife, reinforcing the idea that he owns her.
In Afrikaner conservatism, religion has often been weaponised to justify female subservience—wives must "submit" to their husbands, and men are the "head of the household.”
In many communities, divorced or single women are shamed and ostracized, while men who leave their families face little social backlash.
This cultural programming tells us that our survival depends on pleasing men - and it does. That leaving an abusive relationship is shameful. That a woman who is beaten should pray harder or try to be a better wife.
Childhood Trauma & Normalization of Violence:
Many male abusers have backgrounds marked by witnessing domestic violence in their formative years. Growing up in households where fathers exerted their authority through physical aggression - remember what I said at the beginning of this essay - corporal punishment of wives was still legal when I was a child.
When society normalises violence in childhood, it creates violent men. Violence against women is tolerated, expected, justified, and ignored.
Entitlement & Ownership:
Men do not perceive us as equals. We are merely extensions of male identity—possessions to be owned and controlled. This perspective breeds a sense of entitlement, where a woman’s rejection or decision to leave is considered a personal affront. Such feelings of betrayal can induce a violent response, causing men to react aggressively when they feel their ownership is threatened.
Did you know? Passion and desire are not cultivated in captivity.
Sadly, the stage is set for manipulation and sexual coercion: you will engage in sex, and you will (pretend to) enjoy it!
The Iron Grip of Coercive Control
"Babe, you have to get out. You're not happy; you deserve so much better. You should just leave"
- If I had one dollar every time I heard this ignorant line, I’d be playing poker with Elon Musk.
Coercive control is a nefarious tactic used by many male abusers, sometimes unconsciously - they actually believe that their actions are “normal” and justified.
Many men insist that we stay at home and assume the role of caregiver or homemaker, or business owners often have us work for them, failing to compensate. They cover all the bills and provide for all our needs, until the moment they are displeased or rejected sexually, then we lose so-called privileges like privacy or food and our children are punished. With no access to money or resources, we are trapped. It paints a picture that closely resembles slavery: we work, and our basic needs are met; we have no autonomy, nowhere to go and no way to get there.
Psychological maltreatment is rife, with name-calling, insults and humiliation, and if we dare speak up, we are belittled and told that we are overreacting or crazy.
To family, friends and society, we are just ungrateful gold diggers who take advantage of hard-working and kindhearted men. Shameful.
The Injustice
The incarceration of women who have endured years of relentless torment—marred by physical and emotional abuse, where every waking moment was overshadowed by the threat of violence, is revolting.
Imagine living in fear of the very person who is supposed to love you, isolated and desperate, aware that nobody is coming to save you. Watching your child suffer and your life threatened. You have nowhere to go, no way of getting there and absolutely no resources to start over. Going to the police only caused you more trouble & the court dismissed you as an attention-seeking and vindictive woman scorned.
So, when he claimed your body for his pleasure once more, you stabbed him while he lay oblivious in sleep, the weight of your years of suffering manifesting in that single act of defiance.
You fired a gun in a desperate bid to prevent your demise, with the instinctual drive to protect yourself burning fiercely within you.
You drove your vehicle over him after enduring the hundredth brutal beating, your young daughter’s face swollen, her wrist broken on the passenger seat beside you- the echoes of past violence fuelling your resolve to escape the cycle of abuse and find safety.
The following day, your children are in the system, and you are imprisoned, shackled by a system that fails to see the full story.
How can we justify punishing a woman for the act of saving her child’s life, or even her own, while the perpetrators of their anguish often roam free, unaccountable for decades of horrific violence?
Where is our justice? Where is the recognition of our struggle?
Enough Is Enough
This is the part where people expect a hopeful message.
A neat little conclusion.
A “we can do better” speech.
Nothing will change until we change.
We must stop excusing men of violence.
We must stop blaming victims.
We must stop allowing the justice system to punish women for surviving.
If you feel uncomfortable reading this, that’s a good sign.
It means you are paying attention.
Now, teach your sons well. Empower women. Believe the victims.
Silence is complicity, and complicity kills.
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